I still feel frightened before I look at the account

Dear Delyara, My body reacts before my mind does. Before I’ve even opened the app, I can already feel the dread — that tightening in my stomach, the little drop in my chest, the immediate narrowing of mood. It doesn’t matter that I’m an adult, that I’ve handled plenty, that numbers are just numbers. Some old fear still arrives first and turns money into atmosphere before it becomes information. And then even when the balance is not disastrous, the damage has already begun. The pleasure goes out of simple things. I start editing what I’m allowed to want. I hear myself talking differently. Less soft, less spacious, less safe. That is what money does to me. Not only the bill. The shrinking.