I still feel myself shrinking around family disappointment

Dear Delyara, Disappointment does something to me faster than anger. If someone is openly angry, at least I know where I am. But disappointment — that tired, disapproving tone, that little pause, that change in the room that says I’ve fallen short somehow — still reaches into a very old place in me. My body starts apologising before my mind has even properly agreed with the accusation. That’s what I hate. The speed of it. I am not a child anymore. I am not powerless. I am not dependent in the same ways. And still, certain kinds of family disappointment can reduce me in seconds if I am already tired or emotionally exposed. Then later I feel furious with myself for becoming so small, so fast. That fury is familiar too.