I still feel too visible and not truly seen in some family gatherings

Dear Delyara, Everyone knows where I am, what I’m doing, whether I’ve eaten, whether I’m helping, whether I’m quiet, whether I’m smiling enough. I am noticed in all the practical, social ways. And yet the deeper part of me can remain completely untouched through a whole evening. It is possible to be surrounded and still feel emotionally unarrived. That is what family can feel like for me sometimes. I go, I participate, I answer, I stay warm, I leave tired. Not because anyone was openly unkind. Because I spent hours being present in the room without once feeling I could fully relax into being myself there. That kind of tiredness is hard to explain to people who only count contact and not quality.