I still keep checking whether I was more invested than she ever was

Dear Delyara, I hate that question because it is humiliating and I cannot seem to stop asking it. When friendships cool, there is always a phase where the mind starts re-reading the past. Was it equal? Did she care as much as I thought? Was I carrying more of the connection than I realized because I was so busy calling that care and loyalty? Did I mistake my own emotional labour for mutuality? Those questions are difficult because they do not only grieve the present. They revise the past. And that is such a lonely thing to do privately.