I still know how to continue without knowing how to want

Dear Delyara, I’m good at continuation. That’s part of the problem. I can keep things going. I can remain responsible, productive enough, in motion, externally coherent. What I struggle with lately is desire. What do I actually want now, in a way that still feels alive in my body? Some of my old ambitions feel dimmer. Some newer ones feel fragile. Some goals seem more inherited than chosen. I don’t think I’ve lost ambition entirely. I think I’ve lost clean access to it. That feels like a private kind of grief.