I still miss the relief more than the thing

Dear Delyara, The honest part is not glamorous. I don’t always miss the habit itself. I miss the relief that used to come before the damage fully arrived. That moment of stepping slightly out of myself. That interruption of pressure. That false softness around feelings I didn’t know how to carry cleanly. I know what it cost me. I know it lied. I know it made me smaller in the long run. Still, part of recovery is grieving a form of escape that once felt like kindness. Even when it wasn’t.