I still move toward explanation before I move toward self-trust

Dear Delyara, A changed tone, a slower reply, a serious face, one slightly off interaction — and immediately some old part of me starts preparing to explain myself. To soften. To clarify. To make myself easier to understand before there is even enough evidence that misunderstanding is happening. It is as if I still trust blame faster than I trust kindness. That pattern costs me so much quiet energy. It means I am often not responding to the present cleanly. I am responding to an older world that taught me that safety depended on being legible quickly and gently enough before somebody else’s version of me hardened in the room. I know where it comes from. I am tired of how much life it still eats.