I still prepare for blame before I prepare for kindness

Dear Delyara, That expectation lives so close to the surface in me that I often mistake it for instinct. A changed tone. A serious face. A slower-than-usual reply. And before I have even gathered enough facts to understand what is actually happening, my whole system has begun organising itself around the possibility that I have done something wrong, missed something, upset someone, failed to read the room. That is what old wounds do. They make fear feel like intelligence. I know this mentally. My body still moves toward defence first. I am tired of how much life I spend pre-softening myself in anticipation of a hurt that may not even be arriving this time. That pre-emptive shrinking is exhausting. It is also one of the oldest habits I still have.