I still prepare for blame before it arrives

Dear Delyara, A room shifts slightly, someone sounds off, there’s tension I can’t yet name, and before I’ve even checked what is happening, part of me is already preparing to defend or soften or explain. It’s as if my system still believes blame is the most likely next event and I should get ahead of it while I can. That is an exhausting way to live. Because it means ordinary conversation can become emotionally expensive before anything has even gone wrong. It means I spend energy protecting myself from outcomes that are not always coming. Old wounds make the future look harsher than it always is. I know that. My body still doesn’t always know it first.