I still prepare for criticism before I even answer the phone

Dear Delyara, That was how I knew the wound was old. My mother hadn’t even said anything yet. The phone rang, I saw her name, and before I answered I could already feel my body rearranging itself — a little more guarded, a little more braced, a little quicker to self-edit. It happens so fast now that sometimes I forget it is not normal. Then I watch myself doing it and think, this is what history looks like in the nervous system. I don’t answer the phone as the woman I am now. I answer it partly as the daughter who still expects one wrong sentence to become a criticism she will carry around all evening. I love her. That doesn’t erase the shape she still creates in me.