I still prepare for misunderstanding before I’ve even finished the first sentence

Dear Delyara, I start speaking, and before I’m halfway through the thought, another part of me is already preparing defence. Clarify this. Soften that. Add context. Make sure they don’t take it badly. Make yourself easier to interpret. Easier to forgive. Easier to absorb. It’s exhausting to speak from inside that split. And it makes me sad because it means even honest conversation can begin with self-protection instead of freedom. I am not always saying what I think. I am often saying what I think plus a whole structure built around surviving the possible reaction. That structure is old. I’m tired of living in it.