I still prepare to be blamed faster than I prepare to be loved

Dear Delyara, That pattern still lives close to the surface. A changed tone. A serious email. A pause in conversation. A room going slightly cooler after I speak. Before the facts have even fully arranged themselves, my whole body starts moving toward explanation, defence, softening, making myself easier to forgive for something that may not even be my fault. I know exactly where that comes from. That doesn’t stop it costing me daily. It means I am often not in the present as fully as I look. I am in the present and also in older rooms at once, responding to old consequences before new ones have even arrived. That is exhausting. And lonely.