I still rehearse my tone before I call my mother

Dear Delyara, Even now. Even at my age. Not because she is always cruel. Because I never know which version of her I am going to get, and some old part of me still believes the safest thing to do is prepare my emotional posture before the line even connects. Softer tone, fewer edges, don’t say too much, don’t sound defensive, don’t sound needy, don’t sound like you want understanding if she is in a practical mood. That level of pre-adjustment exhausts me, and it happens so fast I sometimes only notice it after the call is over and my jaw is tight. It amazes me how the body can remain fluent in a family language the adult self no longer wants to speak.