I Still Try to Sound Successful on the Phone With Them

Dear Delyara, If I’m tired, I sound busy instead. If I’m sad, I sound practical. If I’m struggling, I list productive things I’ve done. If I’m lonely, I make a joke. I offer them the cleaned-up version of me because somewhere in my body, I’m still trying to earn the kind of approval that only seems to arrive when I sound handled, solid, admirable. The worst part is that I do it automatically. Then I hang up and feel empty. I want to be able to call my parents and sound human. Not impressive. Not reassuring. Not edited. Human. That still feels too risky. And that tells me more than I want to know.