I still turn into the manageable version of myself too quickly

Dear Delyara, Some family rooms do that to me before I’ve consciously chosen anything. I can feel the shift in my voice almost immediately. Softer, neater, more agreeable, less direct. I start removing edges from my own thoughts before anyone else has to react to them. I become easier. And from the outside, it probably looks like maturity or politeness. It isn’t. It’s old self-protection. That’s what makes me sad afterward. I know I’ve done it while I’m doing it. I know I’ve traded something honest for something easier on the room. And then later I sit with that familiar anger at myself for still becoming less than I am in spaces that carry old authority in my body.