I still want a softer version of understanding than they know how to give

Dear Delyara, I think this is one of the more honest griefs of adulthood. Not wanting different parents exactly. Wanting a softer version of understanding from the ones you have. Something less practical. Less clumsy. Less hidden inside concern that arrives in forms the body doesn’t know how to rest under. I understand them more than I used to. I know what shaped them. Still, some part of me wants language they never learned to speak. That wish doesn’t disappear just because I can explain it now.