I Still Want Gentleness from the Very Voices That Taught Me to Become Careful

Dear Delyara, That contradiction hurts me more than I say. The same people whose tone made me smaller in certain years can still make me ache for softness more than almost anyone else. A kind sentence from them matters too much. A cold sentence cuts too quickly. A little praise lifts me in ways I wish I were more immune to. A little disappointment can still flatten me far beyond what adulthood should have made possible. I know what that means. I know where it comes from. I still feel it. That is the difficult thing about parents. Some of their power remains in the body long after the mind has outgrown the story. And wanting love from a place that also taught you caution creates a kind of inner confusion I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from.