I Stopped Disappearing

Dear Delyara, The hardest part of recovery was not quitting. It was staying. Staying in my body. Staying in my thoughts. Staying in a room without reaching for something to make myself easier to bear. I used to think I drank because life was stressful. Later I understood that stress was only part of it. The truth was uglier and more honest: I drank because I wanted to disappear a little without having to explain why. Now I’ve been sober long enough to know what my real evenings feel like. Some are ordinary. Some are lonely. Some are beautiful. Some are unbearable. But they belong to me now. That is the victory. Not clean living. Not discipline. Not the version of me other people might admire. Just this: I stopped leaving myself every night.