I stopped using prayer to bargain for my mother’s recovery

Dear Delyara, When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I prayed like someone negotiating a contract. I promised fasting, money, service, anything if God would heal her. When treatment stopped working, I prayed harder and became angry whenever relatives spoke about accepting what was happening. A chaplain at the hospital asked whether prayer could become a place to tell the truth instead of a place to bargain. I hated the idea at first. Slowly, I began saying what I was actually afraid of: that Mum would die, that faith would not prevent it, that I might still love God and be furious. My mother died six months ago. This morning, I prayed without offering anything in exchange. I said her name, thanked God for the years we had, and admitted I still wish we had more. Spiritual growth did not make death acceptable. It ended the exhausting belief that if I found the correct combination of devotion and desperation, I could control it.