I take stimulant tablets so I can keep being the mother everyone praises

Dear Delyara, I have three children, a full-time job, an elderly father, and a husband who travels frequently. People constantly tell me they do not know how I manage everything. The answer is pills. Prescription stimulants not prescribed to me. A coworker gave me one during a deadline two years ago. Now I buy them from someone I know. They help me work after four hours of sleep, clean at midnight, remember school forms, answer emails before breakfast. Everyone thinks I am incredibly organized. Last week, my daughter wrote a school essay saying her mother is her hero because “she never gets tired.” I read it while my heart was racing from a tablet taken on an empty stomach. I started crying. She thought I was touched. I was terrified. The pills are not helping me manage life anymore. Life is now arranged around keeping enough pills to maintain the version of me everyone admires.