I think I have become so busy surviving that I no longer trust myself to know what I actually want

Dear Delyara, For years now, so much of life has been about function — work, money, children, health, keeping things from collapsing, staying ahead of administrative disaster, being emotionally useful to everyone who depends on me. Under that amount of maintenance, desire changes shape. It becomes practical. Reduced. Embarrassed. Negotiated down before it even fully stands up. Sometimes I ask myself what I actually want and all I hear back first is what would be too expensive, too disruptive, too risky, too selfish, too late, too hard. That is not the same as not wanting. It is the sound of wanting buried under survival long enough that it no longer speaks clearly. I miss the earlier version of me who could hear herself more quickly.