I Think My Family Has Grown So Used To My Strength

Dear Delyara, I don’t say that to blame them. I say it because I’m finally seeing it. I do the things. I carry the moods. I remember the details. I absorb the last-minute requests. I hold the structure. I stay calm often enough that everyone has come to trust that I will. And because I do it so reliably, my own softer or more frightened states have become less visible by comparison. There are evenings when I can feel myself very close to tears and still answering in the same competent voice. There are mornings when my body is begging for less and still producing the version of me the family knows how to depend on. At some point, competence can become camouflage. And the saddest part is that even the woman inside it can begin to believe she is still “fine enough” if she can still function. I am starting to understand how lonely that is.