I think my job is teaching me to apologise for existing in rooms

Dear Delyara, In the carefulness. In the pre-emptive softening. In the way I rehearse ordinary sentences before meetings. In the way I add context to simple requests so I don’t seem difficult. In the way I shrink my own reactions fast enough that no one has to call them unreasonable. I don’t think work is only tiring me anymore. I think it is retraining me. That frightens me because the damage is so respectable-looking. It passes as professionalism. Maturity. Calmness. Good judgement. Meanwhile I can feel parts of myself going quiet not because they are wrong, but because survival in that environment increasingly depends on me being easy to handle. I don’t want to become a polished version of my own disappearance. That is how it feels some days.