I think my job is teaching me to doubt my own voice before I even use it

Dear Delyara, That is what frightens me most. Not the workload. Not even the bad moods or the subtle disrespect. The internal effect. The way I now draft emails in my head while still in the car. The way I soften before speaking. The way I hear my own ideas first through the filter of how they might be received rather than whether they are actually true or useful. The way I have started equating emotional self-erasure with professionalism because too many rooms have rewarded me for being easy to handle and punished me for sounding fully like myself. I do not want to keep earning my place by becoming less visible inside it. And yet, if I’m honest, that is exactly the bargain I keep making at work. That bargain is exhausting. And I’m beginning to suspect it is also damaging me more than I want to admit.