I think some of my friendships survive on my emotional labour more than on mutual intimacy

Dear Delyara, I know how to hold things. I know how to listen without panicking. I know how to make other people’s feelings feel less shameful and more survivable. That has made me useful in friendship in ways people value. But useful and seen are not the same thing. Lately I have begun noticing how often I leave certain calls feeling emptied rather than accompanied. How quickly people reach for me when their lives break open and how rarely they seem to sense that mine has been under strain too, unless I say it in such an unmistakable way that I’ve already done half the work of translating it for them. I am beginning to wonder whether some people love the emotional service I provide more than they love knowing me fully. That thought hurts enough to change how I’m starting to listen back.