I Think Some People Love My Stability More Than They Love Me

Dear Delyara, That is a brutal thought. I keep having it. Because I am stable. Warm. Good at holding. Good at not making other people feel messy for being messy. Good at finding language. Good at not panicking. I can feel how useful those qualities are to other people. What I cannot always feel is whether those same people would stay as close if I came to them unprocessed, repetitive, jealous, raw, boring in my pain, not yet a lesson. I don’t want to be admired. I want to be accompanied. And some days I think those are much farther apart than I wanted to believe.