I Told the Nurse I Was More Scared Than I Sounded

Dear Delyara, I am so used to sounding composed in medical rooms. Polite. Clear. Reasonable. A good patient. A woman who has done her research but not too much research, who is worried but not overly worried, who needs help but is not making herself difficult to help. This time I said the truer thing. “I think I sound calmer than I am.” The nurse put her pen down and looked at me. Not in pity. In attention. And suddenly I wasn’t managing the room anymore. I was in it. That felt like a health victory to me because I have spent too much of my life trying to be easy in the places where I most need to be honest.