I use my mother’s funeral as the reason everyone accepts that I drink

Dear Delyara, Mum died nine months ago. I started drinking heavily after the funeral, and everyone gave me space because grief makes alcohol socially understandable for a while. That permission has become useful. If my sister notices how much I drink, I say I am missing Mum. If I am late to work, I say sleep has been bad since Mum died. Both things are true. They are also hiding the fact that I now drink before work sometimes and keep vodka in the boot of my car. Last week, my aunt told me not to worry about “having a few” because losing your mum is different. I wanted to tell her I am not having a few. I am organizing days around alcohol. Mum hated drinking. Her father was an alcoholic, and she warned us constantly. I am using her death to protect the exact addiction she feared. Tonight, her photograph is on the mantel while I pour another glass and tell myself grief is why. It was why at the beginning. I am no longer sure it is the reason now.