I wanted the evening to feel earned less and inhabited more

Dear Delyara, There are evenings where I’m still trying to deserve rest. As if the day has to be completed correctly before the night is allowed to soften around me. As if I need to prove I’ve done enough, answered enough, organized enough, held enough, before I can sit down without a small guilty committee gathering in my chest. Tonight I was tired of earning. I wanted inhabiting. To sit in my own evening as if I belonged there without paperwork. To let the body settle without turning that settling into another moral decision. I’m learning how difficult that still is for me. Which probably means I need it more than I thought.