I Wanted to Call My Mom and Didn’t

Dear Delyara, Sometimes I miss my mother so much it’s physical. Her voice, her care, the old fantasy of being mothered no matter how old I get. Then I remember that wanting softness and actually receiving softness are not always the same thing. So I stared at her name on my phone and didn’t press it. That kind of loneliness is hard to explain. Missing the person you are protecting yourself from. Wanting comfort from the same voice that can still make you feel twelve and wrong. I put the phone down and cried anyway.