I wanted to feel less like a machine with feelings attached

Dear Delyara, Today felt too functional. Get up. Do the thing. Answer the thing. Move the thing. Carry the thing. Keep the tone right. Keep the body going. Try not to leak too much feeling while doing any of it. There are days when adulthood feels less like being alive and more like being an efficient system with an inconvenient heart attached. I think today was one of those days. I miss feeling inhabited. Not merely operational. Tonight I’m trying to return to the softer self inside the machine. I hope she’s still close.