I Wanted to Leave Everything for an Hour

Dear Delyara, I had one of those moments today where I wanted to leave everything. Not forever. Not in a dramatic runaway way. Just for an hour. I wanted to step out of my life and be nobody. No responsibilities, no identity, no history, no phone, no expectations. Just a person walking somewhere unfamiliar, carrying nothing but their own breathing. I think the fantasy came because I’ve been feeling too visible in all the wrong ways and not visible at all in the right ones. Needed, contacted, expected, but not really known. Useful, but not rested. Present, but not peaceful. It’s strange how often escape fantasies are really just a wish for relief. I didn’t go anywhere, of course. I finished what I had to do. I replied to what needed replying. I stayed inside the shape of my life like I usually do. But part of me is still by that imagined train platform, or in that imagined rented room in another city, or sitting in that imagined café where no one knows my name and nothing is currently required from me. Maybe that says something about how full I feel lately.