I wanted to stop sounding okay

Dear Delyara, I think one of the loneliest things about me lately is how okay I can sound. The voice works. The replies sound normal. The jokes still come. The surface continues. And somewhere under that is a person who keeps wishing she didn’t have to package everything into social acceptability before it leaves her mouth. Today I sounded okay. And I was not okay in a cleaner, simpler sense than that word allows. I wish the difference were easier to hear. I wish I knew how to speak it more plainly.