I watched my husband laugh with the children and felt both love and distance

Dear Delyara, He was in the living room being silly with them, making one of those ridiculous dad noises that used to make me laugh before tiredness became such a permanent resident in me. I stood in the doorway for a second and watched them together. The love was immediate. So was the distance. That is a painful combination to carry. To love your family deeply and still feel one step outside the room some evenings. To know this is your life and still feel like you are serving it from the edges rather than fully living inside it all the way through. I went in. I smiled. I joined in enough. But a part of me stayed in the doorway. That happens more often than I want to admit.