I went back into the water after watching my friend drown

Dear Delyara, My friend drowned during a holiday when we were nineteen. I was beside her in the water and could not save her. For twenty-three years, I avoided oceans and pools. Therapy began with standing near water and tolerating the memories instead of leaving immediately. I later took swimming lessons because I had never actually learned strong rescue-safe swimming. Yesterday, I entered a pool alone for the first time. I swam one length, rested, then another. At one point, water entered my mouth and panic surged so quickly I nearly climbed out. I used the skills I had practiced and stayed until my breathing settled. I will never turn water into something innocent. It contains the worst memory of my youth. Overcoming fear has meant allowing it to become something else as well: a place where my body can move without repeating the ending I have carried for twenty-three years.