It hurts that I can be central to a household and still not feel especially held by it

Dear Delyara, I am not unneeded. Quite the opposite. That is part of what makes this loneliness confusing to explain. I am the one who knows, notices, carries, remembers, responds, steadies, anticipates, and translates. My absence would be visible immediately in practical ways. And still, emotional holding does not necessarily flow back in equal measure simply because practical reliance does. You can be indispensable and lonely at the same time. That is the painful truth. The house asks a lot from me. It does not always know how to hold me in return.