My congregation does not know I no longer believe

Dear Delyara, I am a pastor and have not believed in God for almost two years. I still preach every Sunday. I visit hospitals, perform weddings, baptise children, and stand beside graves speaking about eternity in a voice people trust. The doubt began after my son died, but grief is not the whole explanation. I studied, prayed, waited, and eventually realised I no longer believed the words I was asking others to build their lives around. My wife knows I struggle; she does not know how complete the silence has become. Our house, insurance, and income belong to the church. If I tell the truth, my family loses more than my position. Last Sunday, I preached about faith during uncertainty, and three people thanked me for speaking directly to their pain. One said my sermon had kept her from giving up. I went into my office and cried because something I no longer believe still helped someone survive. I do not know whether that makes me a fraud or a servant. I only know that every week I stand before people waiting for certainty and offer them a language I can no longer speak in private.