My face no longer looks like the photographs on my desk

Dear Delyara, A neurological condition has caused weakness on one side of my face. My smile pulls unevenly. My left eye does not close completely. Doctors say some recovery may happen, but they cannot promise how much. I teach kindergarten. Children notice everything. On my first day back, one little boy asked, “Why is your mouth falling?” The teaching assistant nearly died of embarrassment. I told him my face muscles were sick. He accepted that and asked for a blue crayon. Adults are harder. They look away too quickly. Friends tell me I still look like myself, which is meant kindly but is not entirely true. I have photographs on my desk from before: my wedding, my daughter’s graduation, a beach holiday where I am laughing with my whole face. Sometimes I turn them down because I feel compared by my own past. My husband kisses me normally. I watch his eyes to see whether “normally” is work for him. I had never understood how much identity I placed in expressions until my face stopped obeying them. I can feel myself smiling before seeing the mirror tell a different story.