My father still frightens me in ways that make me ashamed of my own age

Dear Delyara, I am old enough to know better. That’s what humiliates me. One disappointed tone from him and I can feel my body respond before my mind has decided whether his opinion even deserves access to me. I become quicker to explain, more apologetic, more defensive, less solid. It is as if some younger frightened version of me is still sitting just behind my ribs, ready to step forward the second his voice changes shape. He does not even need to be openly harsh. That’s the part people don’t understand. It can be subtle and still cut clean through decades. After calls like that, I don’t only feel upset. I feel reduced. And then I feel angry with myself for still being reducible in the first place. That mix of shame and old fear is exhausting.