New Zealand

My husband has become my patient, and I miss being his wife

Dear Delyara, My husband has multiple sclerosis, and over the last two years I have become responsible for more of his daily care. I help with showering, buttons, medication, transfers when his legs are bad. I love him. I also miss being wanted for reasons unrelated to what his body needs. Last night, he touched my arm in bed and I immediately asked, “Pain?” He said no and pulled his hand away. That hurt both of us. We have carers for some tasks, but he hates strangers helping and I keep saying I can manage. The truth is I do not know how to switch roles. When he kisses me, part of my brain is checking whether his wheelchair is charging. When we argue, guilt arrives because he depends on me later. He once said, “You’re allowed to be angry with me even if I need help getting dressed tomorrow.” I know. I do not know how to make my body believe it. Illness has not removed our marriage. It has crowded it with practical things until I sometimes cannot find the two people who used to lie in bed discussing absolutely nothing important.