My husband says he forgave the affair, but every argument brings it back

Dear Delyara, I had an affair five years ago. Three months. I confessed before my husband discovered it, ended it completely, gave him every password he asked for, answered questions until there seemed to be no question left, and spent years trying to rebuild what I broke. We went to counselling. We stayed married. We found our way back to sex, laughter, holidays, ordinary evenings where I almost believed the affair had finally become part of our history instead of the room we lived in. But every serious argument eventually returns there. If I complain that he forgot something, he says, “At least I never forgot I was married.” If I question money he spent, he says, “Funny hearing you talk about trust.” Last night, we argued because he missed our daughter’s hospital appointment. Ten minutes later, I was apologizing again for sleeping with another man in 2021. I know I created this wound. I know forgiveness does not erase memory. But I finally asked him, “Do I ever finish paying for it?” He looked at me as though the question itself proved I had learned nothing. I slept in the spare room. I remain ashamed of what I did. I also feel something inside me becoming angry, and that anger brings its own shame because part of me believes the guilty person is supposed to surrender the right to be hurt forever.