My little boy apologised for crying at his mother’s funeral

Dear Delyara, My wife died at thirty-seven. Our son is seven. During the funeral, he cried loudly when the coffin began moving toward the doors. Not quiet tears. He screamed, “Don’t take my mum,” and tried to leave his chair. I held him while everyone watched. Tonight, he came into my room and said he was sorry for ruining Mum’s funeral. I asked who told him he ruined it. He said nobody, but everyone else had been quiet. I did not know what to say without crying myself. So I told him the funeral belonged to Mum and to us, and his crying was allowed to be as loud as loving her had been. He asked whether I had wanted to scream too. I said yes. Then he became angry and asked why I did not. That question has stayed with me. Adults call restraint dignity. Children sometimes see it as dishonesty. At the funeral, I wanted to grab the coffin and say exactly what he said. I did not because I am his father and believed one of us needed to remain standing. Tonight, I wonder whether he needed to see me break enough to know he was not the only person who wanted to stop the doors from closing.