My Mind Has Turned Ordinary Waiting Into a Form of Suffering

Dear Delyara, Waiting for school pickup. Waiting for a reply. Waiting for results. Waiting for the unknown number to turn into a voicemail. Waiting for a child to come out of a classroom looking normal enough for my body to relax. Waiting for the doctor to call back. Waiting for the bank issue to be explained. Waiting for anything at all that has even the slightest possibility of bad news attached to it. The waiting is where my mind does its worst work. It furnishes rooms that don’t yet exist. It moves ahead of reality and starts living there. It makes my body pay emotionally for futures that may never come true at all. I am tired of how much damage anticipation can do in silence. People see a woman sitting in a chair, standing by a school gate, stirring soup, driving a car. They do not see the private catastrophes her mind may already be rehearsing while she still looks outwardly normal enough to pass. That hidden cost is enormous. Mine feels enormous.