Melbourne, Australia

My mother keeps asking me to choose her over my husband

Dear Delyara, My mother and husband dislike each other. Neither is innocent. Mum criticizes him. He becomes defensive and sarcastic. Every family occasion turns into preparation for the next offence. Recently, Mum said she will not come to my birthday dinner if he is there. My husband said, “Good.” I became furious with both. Mum cried and said, “I was your mother before he was anything.” What am I supposed to do with that? She raised me alone after Dad left. We were incredibly close. Marriage changed our relationship because suddenly she was not the first person I consulted. I know that hurt her. But I am forty-two. I cannot keep proving love by ranking people. Yesterday, she asked if I could celebrate separately with her. I said I would think about it. My husband heard and said I always reward her ultimatums. Maybe I do. Every solution makes somebody feel chosen against. I want one birthday where loving two difficult people is not treated like betrayal of both.