My parents’ late divorce has turned every family event into a loyalty test

Dear Delyara, My parents divorced after forty-two years of marriage. I am thirty-eight and somehow feel twelve. Dad has a new partner. Mum cannot hear her name without becoming cold. Every birthday, school event, Christmas, and barbecue now requires planning who is invited, where they sit, whether partners come, who arrives first. Mum says she does not expect me to choose sides and then becomes silent when Dad attends something. Dad says he understands if his partner is not welcome and then tells me she feels excluded. My children notice. Last week, my daughter asked, “Why can’t Nana and Grandad just be normal?” I had no answer. I love them both. I also resent them both for making adult children manage the emotional logistics of a marriage we did not choose and cannot repair. People treat late-life divorce like something easier because the children are grown. Apparently, being grown only means I own the calendar where everyone’s hurt has to fit.