My scans were clear

Dear Delyara, There is almost nothing elegant to say after that sentence. The weeks before the scan had been ugly inside me. I still packed lunches, replied to emails, booked school clubs, said “I’m fine” to people who didn’t know, but underneath everything there was one continuous line of fear. I had already imagined the call, the room, the language the doctor might use, the faces of my children if everything changed. Then the consultant looked at me and said, “Everything is clear.” I laughed first, which surprised me. Then I cried in the car park. Then I bought the ridiculous overpriced coffee from the hospital café because I wanted to sit with the relief for one minute before going back into the ordinary world. I don’t think I will ever forget the physical feeling of fear leaving my body.