My son’s school shoes are still muddy from the last morning he wore them

Dear Delyara, My son died in an accident on his way home from school. He was fourteen. His shoes were returned with his belongings and still had dried mud along the soles because it had rained that morning. Everyone offered to clean them. I said no. For eleven months, they have sat near the back door exactly where I placed them after the police gave them to us. Today, my husband tripped over one and shouted, not from anger but from exhaustion, “We cannot live around shoes forever.” Then he immediately apologized. I know what he means. We have turned objects into rules. Do not move the shoes. Do not wash the hoodie. Do not throw away the cereal he liked. Our house has begun obeying a child who is no longer here. Tonight, I picked up one shoe and knocked some mud into the bin. My hand froze before I could do the other. I felt as if I had erased evidence of his final ordinary morning. He had complained about those shoes being wet. I told him to stop moaning and get in the car. I would give anything to hear the complaint again. The other shoe is still muddy. I do not know when I will be ready for both feet to belong completely to memory.