My wife wants to forgive me before I am ready to forgive myself

Dear Delyara, I nearly killed us in a car crash because I fell asleep driving. I had been working too much and insisted I was fine. My wife suffered a broken pelvis and months of rehabilitation. I had minor injuries. She has forgiven me. She says it was an accident, that exhaustion affected judgment, that she wants our marriage to stop revolving around one night. I cannot. Every time she gets into the passenger seat, I see the hospital. If she complains about hip pain, guilt turns my stomach. She wants us to take a road trip for our anniversary. I said no. She became angry and told me, “You don’t get to make my forgiveness useless.” I know what she means. My guilt has become another thing she is forced to manage. Yet letting myself enjoy driving beside her feels like disrespecting what my carelessness did to her body. We sleep in the same bed. We laugh. We make plans. I am the one still standing at the crash scene, refusing to leave because I think suffering beside the wreckage is somehow more loyal than accepting the woman who survived it.