Old hurt still decides how quickly I make myself smaller

Dear Delyara, I notice it in the first seconds. How fast I soften. How fast I apologize. How fast I explain myself before anyone has even shown they need that from me. That reflex tells me something old is still active. Because people who feel fundamentally safe don’t reduce themselves that quickly. I don’t say that with self-hatred. I say it with sadness. There is still old pain moving through new rooms. And some days I feel it clearly.