Old hurt still makes me explain too quickly and too well

Dear Delyara, I have noticed that one of my first responses in tense situations is explanation. Not honest explanation, even. Defensive explanation. The kind designed to make me seem harmless, reasonable, understandable, forgivable, before anyone has actually accused me of anything. That speed did not come from nowhere. It came from years of learning that conflict could become less painful if I made myself easier to absorb before the room had a chance to turn fully against me. The habit lives in me now. Sometimes it feels like intelligence. More often it feels like old damage dressed as social skill. I am tired of rushing to make my own existence more manageable for other people.